Last month, our company went through our mid-year review process for performance evaluation.  The way the mid-year reviews used to work at my job, we used to have to complete a self-evaluation, while our manager completed their own evaluation of us and communicated their review to us in a one-on-one meeting.  And although our process has changed over the years, there was one time a while back when I did have to complete a self-evaluation, and I decided to see if I could do one without using the letter E.

Admittedly, the idea for such a challenge was not original.  In one episode of The Simpsons, Mr. Burns calls Lenny into his office and tells him, “If you can tell me why I shouldn’t fire you without using the letter E, you get to keep your job.”  Lenny starts his defense by saying, “Okay, uh, I am a good work…guy…” before Mr. Burns fires him anyway and triggers the trap door underneath him.  In another episode, Homer gets to write a food review column for the local newspaper, but the E on the typewriter didn’t work.  Homer writes the column anyway, “Food Box: Go or No Go,” under the pseudonym Bill Simpson.  Although, there appears to be some inconsistency when the newspaper editor reads part of it out loud, noting that Homer had used the phrase “Screw Flanders” over and over.

This line of TV humor is not specific to The Simpsons, however.  In an episode of How I Met Your Mother, Barney accepts the challenge to pick up a girl at McLaren’s Pub while wearing a garbage bag, and without using the letter E.  He finally accomplishes this feat after several attempts. 

Inspired mainly by Lenny’s attempt to save his job without using the letter E, I figured it would be best to be prepared, in case my mid-year review came down to a test of my ability to use such linguistic skills in order to keep my job.  Avoiding a lesser-used letter like Q, X, or Z is simple enough.  Even a common letter like E can be avoided if the review is short enough, such as one sentence long.  For example, a sentence such as “I am good at my job” would have sufficed, or even “I am amazingly good at my job.”  But I wanted to see how long I could make a self-review that was positive, accurate, creative, and met the criteria of avoiding a certain letter of the alphabet.  I sat down and wrote the following:

“All humans must admit that I am amazing.  I am good at my job.  I do good work.  I am not lazy.  I may stay long hours, including occasionally working on Saturdays.  I am willing to assist individuals.  I am also good at figuring out solutions to many situations.  I can spot faults in our work, and know who to ask to assist as occasion calls for it.  My accuracy and production?  Outstanding.  I always maintain solid #’s.  Thank you.”

No, I did not actually submit that self-evaluation.  I wrote it just for fun, and although I thought it was good, I figured I could do an even better job if I simply wrote normally.  Plus, there was a certain level of professionalism that had to be maintained that unnecessary restriction of one’s use of the alphabet did not afford.  Again, it wasn’t as if our own evaluation of ourselves really mattered anyway (within reason), but I didn’t want to take any chances.  So instead, I showed it to some co-workers just for kicks and wrote a real one.  I figured I would save my non-E review for a hypothetical situation where I had to describe my merits in the workplace without using the letter E in order to keep my job, like Lenny from The Simpsons.  Or in case I had to do another self-review later and the E on my keyboard stopped working.  Fortunately, that has never happened.

Although I felt a sense of accomplishment in being able to write a paragraph about myself without using the letter E, my efforts pale in comparison to author Ernest Vincent Wright, who in 1939 published an entire 50,000 word novel without using the letter E. His novel Gadsby is referred to as a lipogram, a work that deliberately avoids the use of a certain letter of the alphabet. If you would like to learn more about lipograms or the book Gadsby, please watch the video below. The guy in this video spends three minutes talking about this book and about not using the letter E, all without using the letter E.

So, what is the point of all this?  Aside from my dorky attempt at humor, it can also be an exercise in creativity.  So, here’s my challenge to you.  See if you can write your own lipogram. Write a paragraph about yourself without using the letter E.  Although, that may be difficult to do if your name has an E in it.  Or if self-evaluation isn’t your thing, see how long you can write about any topic you want without using the letter E.  I’ll start.  The rest of this post will not contain the letter E.  Starting now.

That’s right.  This paragraph will not contain that symbol.  Just try to find 1 of that symbol in this paragraph.  This is difficult to do.  You should try this on your own as a stimulus for your brain.  Also, follow my blog if you want.  I post about things not about that symbol also.  You may find posts on this blog from April through August 2020.  You may find autobiographical information, or my thoughts about many things – philosophical, funny, or dorky.  You may also find things on this blog such as math, sports, TV shows, coronavirus, 2020, or a song parody.  Finally, I pray that this post finds you good, and with no coronavirus in you or around you.  Until our paths cross again, this is Ryan, signing off.