With Thanksgiving just over a week away, it’s important that we take the time to reflect on the things we’re thankful for and the blessings we have been provided.  Regardless of how difficult a year like 2020 has been, we should all be able to think of several reasons to be thankful.  With that said, it’s not quite Thanksgiving yet, and I have a different list I’d like to share here. Instead, I’d like to share some of the things that do not make my thankful list.  A list of some of the things that really grind my gears.

Please note, these are not meant to be taken too seriously.  I’m not here to rant about serious things, like coronavirus, or politics, or matters of life and death.  This is a partial list of things that ultimately don’t matter, but are still annoying in their own small way.  When reading the following rants, I hope you appreciate them for their entertainment value, rather than thinking I’m just complaining about first-world problems.  Now that we have that out of the way, here are my thoughts on the following annoyances of life…

You know what really grinds my gears?  When people overuse the word “literally.” Or, they use it out of context.  First of all, what is up with people’s overuse of the word “literally?”  Sometimes the usage of the word isn’t necessarily wrong; it’s just not necessary.  You say, “It’s literally so good to see you!”  Um, okay, thanks, but the word “literally” didn’t add anything.  If you had told me, “It’s so good to see you!”, it would have meant the same thing.  It was not necessary to distinguish between a literal and a figurative context here.  I’m actually fine with the occasional unnecessary usage of this word (as long as it’s not wrong), until you say it literally 25 times in the span of one conversation.  There are other words in the dictionary, you know.

Even worse is when “literally” is used when the context is obviously figurative.  When we are studying a book, we are not literally going to walk through it.  When you jump up and down out of excitement, you are not literally Tigger from Winnie the Pooh.  When you make a fool of yourself, you are not literally dying of embarrassment.  We are not literally scratching the surface of this issue.  When you say things like this, please either use the word “figuratively” or leave out the word altogether.

The worst is when someone says, “I literally can’t even!”  You literally can’t even do what?  Is the word “even” a verb now?  Please define it.  When you say things like “I literally can’t even,” it figuratively makes me crazy.  And that’s what really grinds my gears.

You know what else really grinds my gears?  When people say things that are redundant.  You don’t have to tell me that a meeting or event is taking place at 3 p.m. in the afternoon.  If it’s at 3 p.m., I already know it’s in the afternoon, because you already said p.m.  You didn’t have to add “in the afternoon.”  If you want to say “in the afternoon,” that’s fine; just leave off the p.m. and say “3 in the afternoon.”  But don’t say both “p.m.” and “in the afternoon.”  And while I’m on the subject of redundancy, why do people say the last word after an acronym?  You don’t have to say ATM machine.  ATM stands for Automatic Teller Machine, so you are saying Automatic Teller Machine Machine.  Just say ATM.  If you really want to say the word machine, fine; call it an AT machine.  The same thing goes for my PIN Number, or my Personal Identification Number Number.  Are you asking for my PIN, or do you want my PI Number?  While we’re at it, can we also please stop saying things like, the “NIV version” of the Bible, “GPS system”, and the “HIV virus”?  You may still refer to these things, of course, but please either remove the word after the acronym, or remove the last letter of the acronym and say the word which follows it.  If you have any follow-up questions, please call the United States Department of Redundancy Department.  Thank you.

And another thing really grinds my gears…Daylight Savings Time, or Fake Time, as I have often called it.  We’re not saving any daylight by doing it.  In March, we’re just moving the daylight hours forward one hour, and in November, we move them back one hour to where they were before.  We’re not getting any extra daylight.  So, we shouldn’t call it Daylight Savings Time.  We should call it Daylight Redistribution Time.  And for eight months of the year, you’re all saying, “Oh, it should be noon, but let’s just pretend it’s 1 p.m. in the afternoon.  Just because.”  First of all, you’re just saying 1 p.m. in the afternoon out of spite, now that I’ve said something about that.  Secondly, it’s fake time.  Everyone is just agreeing to pretend it’s one time when it really should be an hour earlier.

Maybe some of this comes from the fact that when I grew up in Indiana, we didn’t have Daylight Savings Time yet.  And don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy having daylight past 9 p.m. during the summer months.  For that reason, I actually don’t mind daylight savings time during the summer.  So maybe I should modify my rant here. Let me start over…

You know what really grinds my gears?  Daylight Savings Time during months which contain the letter R.  You expect us to “spring forward” in March when it’s still winter?  And we’re still on Fake Time until November when it’s still dark outside until after 8 a.m.?  What’s the deal with that?  People having to go to work and school in October when it’s unnecessarily dark outside?  And the standard time (correct time) is only observed for one-third of the year?  Come on, Daylight Savings Time Decider people!  Let’s scale back Fake Time to where we only observe it during months which do not contain the letter R.  That way, we still get to enjoy the summer evenings of daylight, but don’t have to deal with this nonsense the rest of the year.  Let’s make that happen.  Who do we call about this?

You know what else really grinds my gears?  Fifth Third Bank.  What’s the deal with that name?  Naming your bank an improper fraction?  I was taught in school that improper fractions need to be converted to mixed numbers, and as such, the fraction 5/3 cannot stand on its own.  So, I hereby decree that Fifth Third Bank needs to change its name to One and Two-Thirds Bank.  It still seems like an odd name for a bank (or any institution), but at least it’s a proper name with a proper fraction.

You might say, “But Ryan, it’s Fifth Third Bank, not Five Thirds Bank!”  Yes, but then why do they have the fraction 5/3 as their logo?  I used to work at a desk facing outside a window across the street from a Fifth Third Bank.  All day, every day, I could see out that window, only for the fraction 5/3 to stare back at me, as if to taunt me, “I’m an improper fraction, and you have to look at me all day!”  I could at least adjust my line of vision slightly to avoid looking at it, but still…if you’re going to have fractions in your name or logo, please make them proper fractions, for the sake of the mathematically inclined.

I mean, really, Fifth Third Bank?  What happened?  Was there a First, Second, and Third Bank at some point?  Did someone then open up a fourth bank, but unaware that there was already a Third Bank, did they also name this new bank “Third Bank” and create a naming dispute between two banks with the same name?  And when they were told to change their name, did they refuse to call themselves Fourth Bank, out of spite?  Did they say, “Well, since there’s already a Third Bank, and since we wanted that name, we will call ourselves…Second Third Bank!”  And so on, with the next bank being Third Third Bank instead of Fifth Bank, and the following one being Fourth Third Bank instead of Sixth Bank?  And finally, when the bank that should have been called Seventh Bank opened up, did they call themselves Fifth Third Bank?  Well then, Fifth Third, I will give you a choice in the matter.  You may choose to change your name to One and Two-Thirds Bank, or you may change your name to Seventh Bank.  But you must change it to one or the other.  And your logo must change accordingly as well.  No more taunting me with your improper fraction.  Thank you, I have spoken.

And another thing that really grinds my gears…people who don’t seem to know how to mute themselves on Zoom.  This applies to Skype or Microsoft Teams as well, or whatever other videoconferencing service people are using to meet virtually.  If you’re on Zoom, you should be able to find the icon on your screen that looks like a red microphone with a line through it.  If you don’t want everyone else to hear you at all times, please click that icon and select mute.  When you are in a meeting with 100 other people, and when the organizer of the meeting tells you to make sure you are on mute, they shouldn’t have to say it literally ten times.  And granted, perhaps the organizer can go ahead and mute everyone themselves, but please, make sure you’re on mute if you don’t want everyone to hear you.  People might not want to hear your unrelated side conversations, especially if you’re on the phone with your doctor during the meeting.  (I’m not saying that has or hasn’t happened.) Hypothetically though, something like this might cause a co-worker to tell me that they were “literally dying of secondhand embarrassment.”  And if that happened, I would have to re-visit my speech on the word “literally.”  And that, America, is what really grinds my gears.

I have other things that I could have added to this list as well.  Maybe I will save them for another time.  I think this is enough for one post.  I hope you enjoyed the list.  Now that I have that out of the way, I can now spend the remainder of the time leading up to Thanksgiving to reflect on what I’m thankful for, rather than what really grinds my gears.